sharplittleteeth

The evening started with drinks at Young & Jacksons. So, finally got to see Chloe in the felsh, as it were. Also had some fries there that tasted like bacon. Disturbing.

Also, I couldn't find my arse from my elbow tonight when it came to finding venues. The Google Maps built in to the Comedy Festival iPhone app was just plain wrong, and the Tuxedo Cat is one of those fuck-you hipster venues where there's no sign out the front, you have to go down some stairs and along a dingy corridor before you come to the bar, where the actual room you're looking for is hidden away behind a closed velvet curtain and THERE'S STILL NO BLOODY SIGNS.

It was frustrating. Especially after I had to run halfway across town to get there on time.


TONIGHT'S SHOWS

Jamie Kilstein: Pyrotechnic political ranting. The sort of show where you cheer as much as laugh. Angry lefty excellence.

David Quirk: dead pan dark humour. Very funny. Also, he ejected a belligerent drunk with the calm and finesse of a jujitsu master.

(Hungry Beast's Dan Ilic was in the audience. He had a laugh like the Penguin from Batman.)

DeAnne_Smith: Tomboy grin. Glasses. Ukulele. Silly and cheeky and adorable. Also very, very funny. A great end to a great night.



Only two more shows and the Festival is over for me. There's a tonne of shows I would have loved to see. But you can't see everything. Especially not when you have to pay for your tickets.

I don't have a Twitter account. But if I did, my Saturday would have looked like this:

hey! @josielong has a bake-off show. i can totally bake a #cakeforjosie

except no one likes gluten free cakes. gf cakes are the sad, lonely emos of cakedom.

wait! CONCEPT #CAKEFORJOSIE!

package mix is ok for #cakeforjosie, isn't it? isn't it?

in kitchen. [sings] baking a cake for @joiselong, baking a #cakeforjosie

#cakeforjosie in oven. smells good so far.

oh! her blog says @josielong can't eat gluten. my cake is gluten-free. #cakeforjosie wins!

@josielong can't have sugar, either. #cakeforjosie is made from pure sugar. :(

#cakeforjosie is cooked! hm. bit lumpy.

#cakeforjoise needs ganache to hide lumps. to the shops!

ganache = Green&Blacks dark choc, vanilla soy yoghurt, chopped mandarin peel. #cakeforjoise = win again.

running out of time. ganache sets in the freezer, right?

where's the icing sugar? i thought we had icing sugar. back to shops.

no icing sugar in shop. WHAT?! EMERGENCY! #CAKEFORJOSIE MUST BE DECORATED!

sod it. using desiccated coconut instead.

oh. so THAT'S why da vinci never used desiccated coconut. bugger.

arh! even my pens don't work! the universe hates #cakeforjosie

#cakeforjosie done. if this was sparta, we'd leave it out on the hillside overnight to die.

#cakeforjosie is now #EMOCAKE - the cake that cuts itself.

off to see @josielong!

standing in queue. do-i-feel-like-a-creepy-fanboy-stalker meter: 6/10.

so many cakes! all so pretty! #emocake feels ugly and unloved.

claudia o'doherty thought #emocake's haircut was a lightning bolt. does not bode well.

@josielong just gave out cake prizes. #emocake did not win any.

first taste of #emocake. um. should have put mandarin peel in cake mix, not ganache.

people are eating cake. lots of cakes. just not #emocake.

#emocake is trying not to cry.

wait! @josielong just saved tiny slice of #emocake... FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

held actual conversation with @josielong. very proud. did not squeal like a schoolgirl once.

that'll do, #emocake, that'll do.






TWIST ENDING: I now have a Twitter account! You never saw that coming, did you?
Follow me! Tell your twitter alias so I can follow you! Don't leave me feeling like emo cake.

www.twitter.com/davidwitteveen

My promises are worthless. Still no jellyfish.

Yesterday:

BABY ELEPHANT

Went to the zoo to see the Mali the baby elephant. Jel has Comedy Festival flu, so she couldn't come. I only got there ten minutes before Mali went on display, so I was at the back of very long queue. The day was hot and sunny. Volunteers had to help several older people out of the queue to sit down. Glad I wore my new shemagh.

(I bought a shemagh during the week. This either makes me pro-terrorist, pro-hipster, or anti-sunburn. I did get greasy looks on the tram home from someone wearing a Star of David around his neck.)

Little Mail was very cute, if not quite as playful as she normally is. You only get five minutes to view her, and she spent most of that time leaning against her mum, being scratched by the keepers, and yawning adorably. I tried to get pictures but she was mostly in the shade.

Looked at a few other exhibits (the butterfly house, the snow leopards, the bears -- a keeper told me the male bear has a thyroid problem, which is why he loses all his fur in the summer). Then home for a grandpa nap before heading out to...

COMEDY FESTIVAL

Four shows. One evening. Can our hero survive?


JOSIE LONG - BE HONOURABLE

Oh, Josie. With your whimsy and your twinkling eyes and your hand-drawn zines and your constant reminder that you have a boyfriend...

Her show started off about breakfasts, and how dieting led her to look up pictures of food on the Internet the way other people look up porn. It detoured through jokes about cardigans and Etsy.com. And it ended up as a plea for young people to engage with politics, and the difference between Being Nice and actually Doing Good.

This was a preview. Bits were still wobbly. Long had to check her notes for some sections, and her rant on politics was heartfelt but vague.

But her charm carried it through. I'm very tempted to see this show again later in the Festival, to see it really bedded down.

Should you see this show?

Of course you should. It's Josie Long. She's awesome.

(Heartwarming moment: there was a teenage girl in the audience. Blue hair. Docs. Standard adolescent wounded-puppy look in her eyes. She was there with her parents. She was seeing Josie Long with her parents. That family is going to be just fine.)


CLAUDIA O'DOHERTY - MONSTER OF THE DEEP 3D

A quirky, surreal lecture from Claudia, last surviving citizen of the top-secret Aquaplex underwater research facility, on the history and culture of her people, before they were all killed in an explosion.

This show is in the same vein as the Mighty Boosh, but more focused. o'Doherty takes her concept and builds on it beautifully. The writing is weird and smart. Her performance is charming. This show won the Best Comedy award at last years Fringe Festival. It deserves it.

Should you see this show?

If you like weird, quirky comedy, yes. It was great.



ANDREW McCLELLAND - SOMEWHAT ACCURATE HISTORY OF THE FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE

As the title says: Andrew McClelland. Giving a talk. About the Roman Empire. With jokes. And audience participation in the nicest possible way.

(I got to be Lead Piping).

This is the best McClelland show I've seen since Mix Tape and A Somewhat Accurate Histroy of Pirates. It really feels like he's returned here to his strengths: a strong subject, a vintage suit, and a chance grin enourmously at the crowd while he rabbits on about something he loves.

Only Andrew could make five hundred years of tyranny, murder and orgies into an hour of feel-good comedy.

Should you see this show?

It's smart. It's funny. You can volunteer to play Caesar and be assassinated live on stage. And it's even educational. So, yes.



ALI McGREGOR'S LATE NIGHT VARIETY HOUR

Burlesque/Opera singer Ali McGregor and her comedy butler Saxon (Asher Treleaven) present a variety of acts from the Festival, interpersed with McGregor singing.

The acts were:

Dead Cat Bounce: Irish musical comedy rock band. Their songs were hilarious, in a Flight of the Conchords way. They've made my list.

Carl Einer-Hackner: Swedish singer/magician. Just insane. Pratfalls. Stuff flying everywhere. Didn't let up once. Hilarious.

Tom Ballard: Triple J breakfast announcer doing straight stand-up. Funny, but too conventional to really interest me.

The Pajama Men: American sketch duo. They had a case of the late-night shambles, but were still funny.

Should you see this show?

It's a fun way to kick back at the end of the night. The guest acts vary each night, so check Ali McGregor's FaceBook for details.

I promised jellyfish, didn't I? Sorry. Next post. Cross my heart.

But Jel and I saw some cool events last night and I wanted to tell you about them.


READING THE CITY: HISTORIANS ON MELBOURNE

The Wheeler Centre is Melbourne's recently-opened centre for books, writing and ideas. It says so on their website. Basically, they've rounded up the Victorian Writers Centre, VoiceWorks, the Melbourne Writers Festival and other similar organisations and shoved them into offices off the side of the State Library. (This is all part of getting UNESCO to give us a pat on the head as a City of Literature.)

The Centre has been running a season of free public talks. Last night, we saw "Reading the City: Historians on Melbourne".

It was very popular. The Auditorium must have seated 150 people, and it was full. Host Sam Pang asked his guests some simple questions, then let them happily rabbit on about their favourite bits of Melbourne History.

( swearing urchins, death by monkey... )

It was a very informal talk, and lots of fun.


KEEP YOUR SKIRT ON

After a quick dinner at the Lounge, we climbed the stairs at the Order of Melbourne for Keep Your Skirt On, the Skirt Network's annual showcase of local female comedians.

There were about a dozen acts, and the standard was very high. If you're after straight-up stand-at-the-microphone-and-tell-jokes comedy, Melinda Buttle, Felicity Ward and Celia Pacquola all seem like good bets.

Unfortunately, my resources are limited, so I tend to spend my comedy dollars on the quirky, high-concept shows. Claudia O'Doherty's "Monster of the Deep 3D" was already on my list. But I'm thinking of adding Telia Nevile's gawky poetry show "While I'm Away".

Oh, and I won free tickets to Geraldine Quinn tonight. Which leads me to...



FREE TICKET! GERALDINE QUINN! TONIGHT!

Anyone want a free ticket to Geraldine Quinn tonight? 9:30 at Trades Hall?

I won a double pass, but Jel can't come because she's working.

If you're interested, leave a comment.